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Shrink Your Brain in 8 Easy Steps
Are you tired of all the advice on "How You Can Be Smarter than Your Neighbor?" Do you regard Homer Simpson as your role model - or soul mate? Do you want to prove that evolution can be reversed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, let us help you minimize the number of neurons and synapses in your brain, probably even shrink your brain in a physical, literal, way. Here are 8 proven tips on How to "shrink" your brain:1. Invest in your couch and your TV set. The more expensive the better, so that you feel compelled to use them many hours a day. They will be your lifelong loyal companions, and enable you to practice many of these tips in world-class style, away from more mentally stimulating habits that may accidentally exercise your brain.
2. Avoid positive thoughts like the pest. Make sure your thoughts are all negative and stressful. If positive ones arise, use sarcasm to go back to a negative state. Stress and anxiety, no matter whether induced by external events or our own thoughts, do wonders to kill neurons and prevent the creation of new ones. Practice.
3. Make a solemn commitment to never learn anything new. Declare a personal "War on Novelty" and mental challenge - they can both be hazardous for you. Repeating spiritual mantras like "I'm bad at math", "I will never be able to do Sudoku", "I hate change" will serve you well as preemptive attacks on any attempt to improve. Everyone knows the brain goes downhill from then on - so just enjoy the ride!
4. Don't ever travel. Especially to places full of snakes and strange diseases (i.e, all countries outside the US, except Canada). Traveling to new locations forces you to pay more attention to your environment, make new decisions, and use your brain to make decisions. Resist the temptation. (For the only exception to this rule, see Tip 5).
5. Find someone to outsource your brain to. Ideally someone in a position of authority. It can be a media personality-the louder he or she shouts, the better- or a dictator. If needed, move to a country with the dictator of your choice.
6. Walking is for apes, driving is for humans. Drive everywhere, including to the fridge to get that beer: buy a Golf cart to use indoors. If you wonder why this is important, remember that the brain is part of the body and things that exercise your body can also help sharpen your brain. Beware.
7. Eat fatty food. Enjoy McDonald's for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Did you know that the brain only weights 2% of body mass but consumes over 20% of oxygen and nutrients we intake? Make sure you stuff your brain with saturated fat. Once you can no longer follow the plot of a TV infomercial, shout, "Success!".
8. Make a point of having zero friends in all Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn. Good conversations are simply too stimulating. If someone wants to connect with you, ignore them.
Now, if for some reason you are interested in expanding your brain - click this link!
This article was written by Alvaro Fernandez from SharpBrains. Alvaro is the main writer at SharpBrains brain fitness and exercise website. If you are interested in contributing to the thinking process and become a guest writer on The Thinking Blog, find out more information here and be my guest!
17 thoughts:
It's really works???hehehe
And having lots of myspace friends equates to stimulating your brain? I smell bullshit.
I think you're a douchebag. The more myspace friends you have the bigger your brain will get? Look's like you didn't learn too much in your cognitive psych class at the community college. Good thing the internet exists or no one would publish your life's work. Idiot.
Wow, another moron who believes that TV is not a valid learning tool. So let me get this right... owning a high quality TV Screen and having comfortable furniture shrinks my brain, and logging onto Facebook and adding lots of "Friends" to my profile helps me become more intelligent.
Is that right? I think I'll go buy an I-Phone now, and then I'm gonna call AOL and tell them that I need to buy some "internet 7.0".
I think you guys need to chill out. Our guest writer Alvaro made a great piece of work that made most of us laugh.
Yes. Everyone has a different sense of humor, so if you don't like this kind just make your way towards eBums.
Besides, Myspace isn't the only social network pointed out there let alone being the only point made in the article.
Incorrect.
There are 0 points made in that "article". It’s just a silly collection cliché aphorisms regurgitated by someone who is trying too hard to be clever.
Well I think your all morons all of you who commented......he is using large amounts of sarcasm incase you did not notice which i dont think you did well anyway have fun bein morons ill say 4 of the 5 comments so far are using almost all 8 of these steps :) have fun tards
OH ANOTHER THING.........TV DEFINELTY IS NOT A LEARNING TOOL YOU FUCKING MORON ITS A TOOL TO MAKE YOU LAZY FUCK TARD
Why are you yelling? and haven't you ever heard of educational programming? How TV affects you is entirely dependent upon what you decide to watch.
the fact that you think having the caps lock key on is yelling just shows that you need to go outside more ...
Mostly this is funny because the "article" was written as humorous sarcasm while many of the commenters posted using their own sarcasm while not understanding that the original article is sarcasm.
That has to be some kind of irony. The article was amusing. The comments were funny. The irony is thick.
ooo ur cool if u use fancy words to deeply analyze wat somebody says.
ur all douches if u ask me..lighten up.
@ Saint Antonio D' Linea
You are quite right. It is rather a shame that many people resort to insults instead of asking for an explanation of something they may not understand.
Also "ur all douches if u ask me..lighten up."
Go back to school.
The "social" networks are for pedphiles!
I had written some additional points that didn't make the final list, one of which seems pretty relevant...
Step #9: Never write a post like this. Never watch John Stewart or Colbert. Don't read The Onion. Irony takes effort to create and understand-why put your brain and others' at risk?
PS: yes, some TV programs can be stimulating...the type that people don't usually watch. And maintaining a rich and diverse network of friends has been shown to be correlated with lifelong brain health...MySpace may be an exception, but you get the point...
lol that was funny
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