Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes | The Thinking Blog ~ Knowledge Grows When Shared
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21 May 2007

Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

There's no getting around it. At some point in your career, your patience will be tested with a stupid client who is so clueless that you'll question your sanity, career choice, and the future of mankind. Some clients have no concept of reality. You may have dealt with one already, one that just stuns you like a deer in headlights. They make up their mind, just to change it again to an even more hideous decision. And will end up blaming you for the mess. Can we honestly blame the client?

20. Submitted by: i quit being creative director

one of our clients is a local city who's starting up a lifeguard campaign. they wanted to make a color adjustment to their existing logo to use on their new rental beach chairs so the people in charge of renting the chairs could distinguish them from the other standard chairs, which were identical except for this logo. we sent the client his logo in about eight different colors, and he picked a burgundy version. he told us to send it to the guy who was going to put the logo on the beach chairs, so we did. the beach chair guy took the initiative to use photoshop and put the logo on a picture of a blank chair to show the client what it would look like. he named the file "red background.jpg" and sent it to our client. this morning, our client called us in a fit, saying that the logo on the chair was red, not the burgundy logo that he had approved. i pulled up the logo i sent him and compared it to the one on the chair – they were identical. i then went into photoshop myself and made the left half of his logo actually red and left the right side burgundy so he could see the difference. the chair guy then contacted our client and told him someone had accidentally mislabeled the file "red" instead of "burgundy", and he resent our client the original file he had already sent before, but changed the name of the file to "burgundy background.jpg". the client loved the "adjustment" and approved the project.

19. Submitted by: s

client after reviewing comp: make it sans serif. ok? sans serif. sans serif. sans serif. sans serif. ok? post-change: WHAT happened to those little things coming off the letters? Put those back!

18. Submitted by: eldamo

This is really about a stupid non-customer. Before working at the ISP in #4869 I sold computers. One day I had the following call: Me: "Good morning, [workplace], [me] speaking. How can I help you?" Stupid Caller: "I need to install Macintosh on my computer." Me: "Do you have a Macintosh computer?" It turned out that she did, in fact, not have a Mac, but a Packard Bell PC. I told the caller that she would be unable to install MacOS on that computer. SC: "But my friend gave me this program and he said it needs Macintosh, so you have to install Macintosh on my computer." Me: "Then you won't be able to run that program unless you go and buy a Macintosh computer. The one you have won't work." SC: "But I need to install Macintosh on my computer. I shouldn't have to buy another computer. You're a computer store so you have to help me." Me: "Did you buy the computer from us?" SC: "I won it in the McDonalds Scratch'n'Sniff competition." (It was actually called "McMatch'n'Win" by everyone else.) Me: "In that case we don't have to do anything. You didn't buy the computer from us, which means we have no obligation to you. Secondly, what you want can't be done, and thirdly, even if you had bought the computer from us what you want isn't covered under warranty so we'd charge you $150 an hour, with a minimum of 3 hours just to try whether it worked or not." (Our actual rate for non-warranty work was $80/hr, 2 hour minimum.) SC: "But I need to install Macintosh." Me: "Look, think of your computer like a car that runs on unleaded. If you put diesel in a car that runs on unleaded it won't work. Installing MacOS on your PC would be like filling an unleaded car with diesel - it wouldn't work and you'd ruin the motor." SC: "Oh." Me: "OK, then. Goodbye" *Hang up* An hour later she was back. Me: "Good morning, [workplace], [me] speaking. How can I help you?" Stupid Caller: "I need to install Macintosh on my computer." Clearly she's one of those people who can't hear what you say unless it's what they want to hear. Me: "OK, have you got your yellow Macintosh conversion CD?" SC: "No." Me: "Oh. You'll need that CD. It should have came with the computer. You got the PC from McDonalds, right?" SC: "Yes." Me: "In that case what you'll have to do is call McDonalds head office on [phone number] and tell them that you didn't get your Macintosh conversion CD like you're supposed to, and that you want them to send it out. Now, they might try to pretend that they don't have it, but they have to send it to you, so just keep calling them until they send it to you. Once you get the CD just put it in your computer and it will take care of itself." SC: "OK, I'll call them straight away." *Hangs up*

17. Submitted by: Synthohol

(from an IT tech making a six-figure salary to me...) IT Tech:"our printer is broken, jobs keep getting stuck in the "Kwayway" and won't print." me:"what's a Kwayway?" (biting tongue to stop laughing) IT Tech:"you are supposed to be a professional and you dont know what a Kwayway is?" me:"sorry 'bout that, at my salary level we call it a "Print QUEUE!" IT Tech: silence..........."nevermind" (click). I love my job!!

16. Submitted by: bakery madness

We've been working on changing our products over to trans-fat free status, testing out different kinds of oil, margarine, etc. Obviously, we have to wait for the change to be completely made in the product so that our QC assistant can update all the nutritional information to reflect the trans-fat free product. One day, I get this question from a customer (as part of a complaint that our products weren't trans-fat free yet)--"Can't you just change the information to 0g on the nutritional paper? That'll make it trans-fat free!"

15. Submitted by: IseeDeadPixels

So I worked for a cable company for a couple of years answering the phone. It convinced me that the amount of imbecility in this world proves that there are major flaws in the theory of evolution. I swear I had one customer ask me "on what channel is channel 15"? Another tried to argue that my name shouldn't be pronounced the way I did and ended up yelling at me furiously! Often old ladies subscribing only to basic cable would call asking why they didn't get the movie channels anymore. We would send a cable guy and, sure enough, he would find an illegal decoder, probably installed by a sibling, unbestknown to grandma. At night, old gay guys would call asking us to tell them what adult movies were on that night. They would get a kick out of hearing us (obligated to) politely say: "tonight sir, you may enjoy Backdoor delivery, or Shaving Ryan's privates for just 9.95$ on pay-per-view". Some of these old freaks would ask us to repeat it again, and again. The worst was when it was a holiday down in the US, and so the Price is right wasn't on in Canada. I swear I have had to argue with customers telling me that they wanted to be refunded for one day because The Price is Right is the only reason why they were subscribing to basic cable (you know your life is pathetic, when...). I have had to argue with a Muslim asking me to stop broadcasting scrambled porn movies because their child was masturbating to the blur. That's how I learned that masturbation is contrary to the teachings of the holy Koran (and incidentally that I can forget about the 17 virgins when my time comes). Once or twice a week I would get a call from some alcoholics anonymous or MADD mother giving me hell because there is too much alcohol on TV, a vegan angry about cooking shows, a lesbian about too many heterosexuals on tv, and so many other freaks of the sort were somehow convinced that I, the 14$ an hour loser who answered the phone, could do something about their nonsensical complaints. Man, I miss that job!

14. Submitted by: ethelred

I was once an employee at a large DIY store chain in the UK as a till jockey/general dogsbody. I had one customer ask me to scan a lawnmower's barcode to check the price was the same as on the shelf (they are drawn from the same system, so not likely to get a mismatch) it came up as £149.99. He told me that it was too expensive, even though it matched the price tag on the shelf (!?!) and asked me to remove it from his transaction. I proceeded to remove the item and scan a few other items. The amount came to £3.49. He paid me £3.50 and of course, got a penny change. As he was walking away, he looked at his receipt and then stormed back over to me while I was serving the next customer, barged them out the way, then started shouting "You've charged me for that lawnmower! Remove it immediately!" I then proceeded to inform him that if I had charged him, the total would have been £153.49, not £3.50. He then said "Bring me your manager, I am not happy!" It took my manager 10 minutes to explain this while I served the following queue of equally bemused customers.

13. Submitted by: go-kuri

So a client calls me on a Friday - 4PM. CLIENT: I'm about to talk to the pharma client, I need a computer graphics budget for an interactive CD-ROM. ME: Great, email me the project details, how many screens, client deadlines, etc. CLIENT: Well, can't you just give me a ballpark figure? ME: A ballpark figure? But, I don't know any of specs, nor any of the client info. Please send me what you have, I'll look over it this weekend and I'll have something for you first thing Monday morning. CLIENT: Well, we need to send them something today, by 4:30PM. Can't you just estimate it? ME: Okay, $100,000. CLIENT: $100,000! Why is it that much?

12. Submitted by: CanadianMan

After making an application live for a select number of employees I get an email from one saying that he is experiencing some bugs (mind you he is the only one). I personally go to his workspace and sit with him and see if we can recreate any of these "bugs". After a hour or two we come to the conclusion that everything has "magically" started to work correctly. I tell him that if anything like this happens again to please take a screen shot and email me. He then asks how to do that. After taking a few minutes to write down the steps and show him how, we end up with an email window containing a screen shot of my application addressed to me. I then politely ask him to close out of the email because there was no need to send it. He then starts clicking the screen shot of my application wondering why it's frozen/unresponsive. I tell him that it's just a picture it's not really the program and to please close out of the email. He then proceeds to click on the close button of my application in the screen shot. . . . .

11. Submitted by: unrepentant

Name changed to protect the idiots... "Hello. What is my user name?" "All usernames are first initial plus surname..." "So it's 'Joe Bloggs'?" "'s 'jbloggs' - J being you first initial." "Huh? I don't get it...when I try and log on as 'joebloggs" it says username not recognised." "You need to log on as Jbloggs..not Joe Bloggs.." "Errrr..." " You first name is Joe - right? Which makes your first initial 'J'." "Yes" "And your surname is Bloggs, so your username is jbloggs..." "Nup. Don't get it." *slams head against wall*

10. Submitted by: MaiK├ĄtzChen

We had a major ice storm January 12 2007 that took most of the city off the power grid for three weeks. on the eighth day of the outage I sent out an e-mail to our colocation customers saying in part: "We have come to the end of our power backup resources. We had an agreement with the company providing diesel fuel, that they would provide us seven days supply in an emergency. Unfortunately the seven days is up, and the road conditions are making getting the fuel to town difficult. Our supplier will attempt to keep us up, but government, emergency and health care customers have to come first. We now have six hours fuel left in our tanks; and if we do not have a fuel delivery by 4:00, we will start an orderly shutdown of all servers. We will restore service as soon as possible" By 6:00, after we were off line for about an hour, we had a customer e-mail us, (Which I read nine days later -- after we got power back and were restarting all the servers.) "A large amount of our sales come from our website, and we stand to lose considerable income if you do not restore our service immediately. If our server is not back on the air within the hour we will bring legal action." He did bring action against us, but the judge threw it out as frivolous.

9. Submitted by: Nico

Client: "My internets disconnected" Me: "ok, well the ping test shows you're connected and are able to constact websites" Client: "It's disconnected I'm telling you!" Me: "How so?" Client: "I don't have MSN Messenger open and Internet Explorer is closed" Me: "That doesn't mean you're not connected to the internet" Client: "Listen mate, I've been using computers for years, dont tell me whats right and wrong"

8. Submitted by: Ninja Style

Woman can't access her voicemail. I call her voicemail and using her passcode access her messages. This means the voicemail is working, obviously. I call the woman and have her try to access the messages. She tells me that it still doesn't work. I look at the number she dialed. She was dialing 4020 while her phone number is 3220. I ask her why she is dialing 4020 as this is not her number. This conversation follows: Woman: Well that's how I use to get to it! I dialed that, put in my password and it took me to my messages. Me: OK did you change your phone number? Woman: Yes. Me: And what was it before? Woman: 4020 Me: Your voicemail box follows the new number. You need to dial that number. Woman: But 4020 use to work! Me: Ma'am when we changed your number, we closed the old voicemail box. Woman: Well then how are people going to reach me? Me: They call your new number and leave a message on the voicemail box at that number. Woman: But 4020 worked! Me: I know ma'am. Can you try calling 3220 for me? *watches her dial 4020* Woman: It doesn't work. Me: You dialed 4020. Woman: Yes... Me: Now try 3220. NOT 4020. *Watches her dial 4020* Woman: Nothing. Me: Again ma'am you dialed 4020. Woman: Why won't it work? Me: Because it doesn't exist there any more. Please dial 3220. Woman: I just don't understand. Me: Ma'am can you please dial 3220 for me? *Watches her dial 4020 and feels the need to punch something* Woman: Nothing. Me: I'm sending you a tech.

7. Submitted by: Weezo1

i was working in a warehouse like home depot in the painting department... A costumer came in to ask for concrete pool paint. So i just give it to him... everything was normal until he asked me if he had to remove the water inside the pool befour painting it...

6. Submitted by: eldamo

Scenario: I was on an ISP's tech support line. I need to get the customer to type 'X3' (no quotes, of course) into the modem configuration Extra Settings field so it will stop erroneously reporting "No dial tone". After slowly and painfully guiding the customer to the appropriate place I tell him to type "X, as in X-ray", but of course he can't find the X key. After trying things like "bottom left corner of your keyboard" and "one row up from the spacebar and then to the left" to no avail I come up with the next best idea: Me: "Without typing anything, just look at your keyboard and tell me what key you're looking at so I can guide you from there." *audible click* Customer: "I've typed H." Me: "I actually don't want you to type anything just yet, so you'll need to delete that H." Cust: "How do I do that?" Me: "Just hit the backspace key." After several attempts and failures to find the backspace key I try the "look, but don't touch" method again, only to have him type another random letter. Despite simple instructions, several warnings and even telling the guy to keep both hands on the phone, he just kept adding random letters to the modem initialisation string field. The call ended like this: Me: "Mr Blah, you keep doing precisely what I tell you not to do, so let me make this perfectly clear. If you type one more thing without me saying the words 'Press that key' I will hang up immediately. Now, don't touch anything, just look and tell me what key you are looking at." *audible click" Me: "What did you just type?" Customer: "I typed B, like you said." Me: "I can't help you. I'm hanging up now."

5. Submitted by: timmartus

A new client brings in a business card she wants a reprint for. The font they used in the past is only available in all capitals (we didn't chose). THIS time they want the email in lowercase (makes sense). I have to find a font that matches that has lowercase characters. I send her a proof. She decides the type is still "too big." I reduce it. I send her a new proof. She approves it. We print it. She picks it up. She calls fifteen minutes later: the type is still too big, it's not the "same" as the sample, it doesn't look like the proof I sent her, the boss doesn't just dislike it--he HATES it. She needs a total refund. "You want a refund a custom printed business card because you feel the type is too big even though I matched the point size of the previous printing, found another font to produce previously unavailable characters, sent you two proofs that you signed and NOW after it's printed you want the money back?" "Yes." "Of course.... Bring in the cards, we'll give you your money back." "You can't use the cards, can't we keep them?" AHA!

4. Submitted by: beachy

client: Can you design the site so that people that don't have internet access can view it? me: Sure; it's called a brochure

3. Submitted by: Gromit

Client: "I had to fire my last web designer, so I'm looking for a suitable replacement" Me: (warily) "Do you mind if I ask you why you fired him?" Client: "I went around to his house to look at some changes and I couldn't believe my eyes - the kitchen cupboards didn't match the worktops, the carpets didn't match the sofa and worst of all he was using one of those ghastly old CRT monitors. And he calls himself a designer?"

2. Submitted by: Gr@bbo

When building a website for a client, I invited her around to seek her approval on the layout and text of a website I was building for her. She then proceeded to highlight the text in the browser and tried to delete it. She got very frustrated as she could not understand why she could not edit here website text through the browser and then told me that the website was not built properly. Mind you, this is the same lady that suggested our whole internet site (Which is about 40,000pages) should be in one big PDF for easy access.

1. Submitted by: Mentok

As a network admin/IT support tech that works with over 50 small companies, I see quite a lot that makes me scratch my head in wonder and confusion. We just got a new client and have begun the project of stabilizing their existing network. One constant is that usually customers use horrible passwords that offer little security. This one does the opposite. The password to the Administrator account is 20 characters long composed of random numbers, symbols and both upper and lower case letters. It is by far the most complex password I have ever encountered. .....which is written on a Post-It note stuck to the front of the server.

[ Via: Clientcopia ]

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